Crucial Conversation
Anytime you find yourself stuck in any area in your organization or a relationship, it is because you are not holding a crucial conversation or not holding it well.
A conversation can become crucial from a casual state if at least one of the following ingredients is involved:
- High stakes
- Strong emotions
- Apposing opinions
Experience shows that when the stakes are high and we are required to do our best at those moments, instead we use our brain the least. The blood stream that needs to be going to our brain instead rushes to other organs like muscles, heart and skin and leave our brain with less fuel and so we may act like a monkey. I guess this is a flaw in our design. Actually this is the fight response in the animal model. Animals need more blood in their extremities to act quickly and strongly during the confrontations. That is the reason we most act like an idiot in certain high stake moments. When it matters the most, we do our worse.
Why would a well-trained professional and a decent human being witnesses discrepancies or a flaw in a process and say nothing about it? The reason is very simple, because folks cannot handle crucial conversations well.
· Giving the boss feedback about how his/ her poor performance or action makes you feel unsafe and undervalued, talking to your coworker about how his/her comments about something were offensive to you, or confronting your roommate or talking to your spouse who is highly super sensitive or inconsiderate, challenging a leader who isn’t walking his talk and many more circumstances are the examples of crucial conversations.
To summarize, if you see hypocrisy, you most likely are facing a “crucial conversation” moment. If you do not hold a conversation about it or do not hold it well, you are defiantly stuck with the situation.
In the best innovative organizations, titles and ranks in making decisions do not really matter. Ideas that maybe threatening some people’s turf can be discussed openly without challenging or violating relationships. Basically anyone can challenge any idea and the goal is that the best idea wins. That crucial conversation is in the heart of these dialogues.
What about your organizations or your relationships? Are you good in all areas or some areas are poor and not perfect. I am sure you agree that there are moments in day to day life that you feel like you need to speak up but holding it back.
The difference between productive organizations is about how folks can handle risky and high stake conversations. The worse around influence run away from the conversations, the good, sugarcoat and express their opinions but not well or complete. The best, handle the conversation with utmost control and respect and get the results without damaging the relationship.
In the worse relationships, people either hit and run or become silent and work around each other. In the good relationship they identify the problems and seek help and hope to resolve the issue. In the best relationship, they get the results without damaging the respect.
Pool of Shared Meaning
Now we know what the crucial conversations are and why they are very important. Our objective is to make a good dialog. When it matters the most, the best people find a way to identify and get all the meaning and pull them to the common shared pool. That makes our shared motivation to be effective.
These are the seven main principals:
Start with heart: Getting your heart right first is the key to identify and clarify what you want, what is the motive or purpose of the conversation? Most of the times folks are drunk with the adrenaline and blind by emotions and forget about the main important concept and reason behind their conversations. You should “Focus on yourself” and do not assume stories about others. You have to find a way to ask yourself this question: “What is my role here?” - Your number one priority in your conversation should be to focus on “What you really want?” You have to ask this question over and over from yourself during the crucial conversation. You have to make sure your main motive or purpose is not getting faded out by other non sense motivations such as” I should win, want to show them my power” or “I want to knock down this person to show my power” , “To look good in front of others” and etc.
When you recognize yourself or the other moving to silence or violence mode, you need to step back and evaluate your main motive. Stay focused. You have to tell yourself that this is not a physical threat but it is just a complex social conversation.
Answer these questions:
- What do I really want here? What do I really want for me and you?
- What do I really want for the relationship?
Remember to refuse the sucker’s choice, it is to choose between two bad alternatives. Should I win or let you win? Should I be silent or should I violently attack? The smart person refuses to choose either. You have to ask this question all the time:”Is it possible for both of us to win?” Never get trapped by the sucker’s choice within your mind. Common sucker’s choices are: Should I be controlled or let you control me” – Should I take all the blame or put it all on you? If we change the “OR” in these statements to “AND”, we can free ourselves from the emotional moments.
Learn to look: One of the main differences between good and best is that the best see more; they have a hidden leash for themselves and can jerk the leash on themselves very fast before the conversation gets out of their hand.
Make it safe: Make sure to provide a safe atmosphere for all parties in the conversation.
Master my Stories: learning techniques for overcoming the emotions and impact with the strongest influence.
State my Path: How to say things that may be very offensive in a way to make the other person less defensive.
Explore the other’s path – What do you do when others are in silence or violence mode?
Move to action: At the end you need to draw productive results.
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References:
Crucial Conversation – Joseph Grenny – Vital Smarts